• These internal dialogue are like scribblin' away and are only meant for myself, hence at times not edited and not comprehensible at all even to me. If you are curious you are welcome to roam with me freely and to comment on anything as you like.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

"negatively speaking....through an artist"

Life is sometimes sad, it is sometime sweet, life is sometimes sad even when it is going sweet.

The sadness that I speak of cannot be willed away nor is it an incident that you can point your magic wand, to have the sadness reversed. I have live with it for a long time, thinking it is something incomplete to be made whole with happiness -my life will be perfect once I become happy so I figured. Try getting rid of your old dog and drop it many blocks away, it can always smell its way home.

Lately, this sadness was like a siren calling from the most seductive temptress, it was hypnotic . I was mesmerized, scared and excited at the same time, I then saw a tunnel of pathway that I proceed cautiously for fear of monsters lurking around. The path was dark an unfamiliarity yet I seem to had vaguely visited many times before, may be in my dreams or were they nightmares. I went forward then hesitated, I thought of my safe haven. I really should have turn back but I could not give up this curiosity that lashed within. My life was going o.k. not spectacular but then how do you define spectacular, let just say my life has been made full with painting - my most recent haven. Painting given me a way to take my mind off the insignificance in life, it has become my life. But then as this life seems to be going well the siren seems the loudest again , my life was suddenly challenged throwing me back into this anxiety amidst calm.

As I got further down this path I could feel a draft went by me and suddenly it was as if the air was sucked out of this space where I stood. My feet was lifted off as if you were in zero gravity, the most unfamiliar feeling but when the initial shock past, I was dangling & floating. Perhaps like I was in my mothers' womb when I had no concept of what world is....in a split second I started to write, paint, laugh, cry and express like water gushing out a broken faucet. As the flow of water fill the space where only vacuum occupied a minute before I then noticed where I was, this was the void inside me that was beginning to manifest itself. It was in fact not an empty void but very full.

The same void that huanted me when I was growing up, the void that made me feel less of a person, incomplete and agonised with longing. The very thing that I was helpless about and conveniently tried to ditch, but like an old dog wagging its tail it came back home again.

The difference is.... this time I am stepping into it...to wander around, taking a stroll to play with friaries and monsters. I put down my guard entering with no judgement of myself anymore, hence when I speak from my void I care not if I am expressing a "negative" sentiment. Positively speaking there is no positive nor negative existence in this space. However, if I stumble onto sadness that is what will come out while I speak or paint. When I express myself from this space all sort of thing may come forth through no filtering of sort. Thus I could mention to you that I fear I am not a good enough person or that I think I am clumsy, mean and anti-social. This is very much the me speaking through the guilt I experience many moons ago, hidden deep within and yearn to be released. The child need to be acknowledged before a child can move on so to speak. Hence I paint or speak whatever came up to me whether it is for or against me. Perhaps at times that could be translated into being "negative" in our society...... it does not in me. I am only trying to channel the void - in whatever form it is - back into my life and my life is my art. I believe art do not distinguish between negative nor positive ... I'll leave that to the art critics.....art like life simply is ......a form of expression, and creativity comes with the freedom to express.

Does this mean my life and my art will be sad and that I only dealt into the negative experience in life? I do not think so and I certainly hope not, but that will have to be "judged" by people I come into contact with and those who will see my art. However, a word of caution... that those who judge is in fact judging themselves. I have heard other asked many times why always dealt into the negative side of life?....I sigh! In my daily life It is already hard enough trying not to judge other people, therefore within myself and my art I rather not dealt into the negativity nor positivity. In short, I do not judge if I am being "negative"... I simply "dealt".

Sometimes the sweetest part is the sadness in life, and it is up to each person to treat that as negative or positive. I prefer to call it neither, it just is. .....looking at it this way, it becomes for me an affirmation of life. I do not know if bathing in negativity is the answer, but without inviting negativity I shake hands with it when it comes, it seems to have work wonders. So far it has given me clarity in art, but the future I do not hold. The following serves only as a thought..... if one chase only the "positivity" in life one may be trying to bend the rule of nature and I am afraid it may be positively negative.......negatively speaking!


"Life is a bittersweet"

33 comments:

paddy said...

Someone said life is in every nano second, and there is no past or present or future only now...well maybe not in those exact words.
It is a hard concept to understand/know, but the wise tell us when we know it or live in the moment ther can be no sadnes or pain. I think the Buddha had to experience pain and sorrow first before enlightenment.
I think you've taken all the sides of life and as you say allowed the pain in as only the wise can do.
You're a searcher of truth and I hope you find in it peace.
Y;-) Paddy

soul&body said...

as the sadness a state of our humor, i think we can control it, for example, you gf/bf break with you, the first moments you are sad because you loved, but after a while you are habitude to that away because you decided to do other things! you accepted and you are opened for the happyness.

drips of paint said...

Hi Paddy

You always manage to capture what I want to get across in a better and much shorter version.....and a bit more insightful as well...it is my post Paddy but I have to say well done to you.

Yes, like you said I am //a searcher of truth//.....but only for my own truth not a universal truth.

peace & love to you
tim
---------------------------------
Hi "soul".......//sadness as a state of our humor//....yes you are right it can lead to a sooner acceptance to the states that you have no control of, thus moving on .

//you are sad because you loved//.....very perceptive.

God, what happened to your heart???
who put the spikes in it...

samrina said...

Hi Tim,

It's my first visit at this of your blog and I am truly surprised to read your posts here. After reading posts & comments at your previous blog I got an impression of you that you are a funny sort of easy going person who may be don't think of things that deeply and sensitively but I was so wrong in it, I m truly impressed with your thinking and writing style here as well. Your both ways are just great friend :)

Well I agree with Paddy, people who live in past or keep on getting worried about their future can't be happy. Current is the reality and we should try to get maximum from it in a better way so that we have better future & memorable past.

My father always use to say unless u gonna fall u never gonna learn to stand up at your own, unless we face failures in life we can't understand the true meaning of success, unless we bear pain & get ill we can never realize the importance of health in life and similarly unless we face sorrows in life we cannot differentiate between happiness & sorrows and cannot taste true happiness.

Oh! I am sorry I have started writing stories again :) hope you don't mind this. Anyhow take good care of yourself and all around.

Lastly I wanna say friend I know it's really hard to know/search truth/reality as i am also a traveler of same journey but still dear friend my best wishes and prayers are with you.

Stay happy always...

Best regards,

Samrina

singleton said...

"but without inviting negativity I shake hands with it when it comes,"...Those are really profound words.

So many times we bask in negativity, drown in it...
or because of fear, deny it all together....
instead of
making peace with it...
and living

peace, new friend

ThanKwee-Anajo said...

I believe art do not distinguish between negative nor positive ... I'll leave that to the art critics.....art like life simply is ......a form of expression, and creativity comes with the freedom to express.

I have heard other asked many times why always dealt into the negative side of life?....I sigh!

if one chase only the "positivity" in life one may be trying to bend the rule of nature and I am afraid it may be positively negative.......negatively speaking! Life is a bittersweet.


Beautifully spoken Timothy. This notion of what is "negative" or "positive" can be different for different people, but art does not distinguish.. it is what it is, as the wind is what it is.

I feel you. I relate to what you're saying. I think that you are at peace with yourself because you accept life the way that it is in all of its complexity.


I see life through my past, my present, and my future, with all of the lows and highs and inbetweens. I accept all of it and embrace it, even the clearly negative aspects. For life is all of that.. the good, the bad, and the indifferent all mixed together in this complex and beautiful thing we call life.

And I too see a certain delicate beauty in sadness, which often leads a person to be contemplative thoughtful and quiet... serene..

Your thoughts here, Timothy, bring to mind a beautiful poem by P.B. Shelley, "Ode to the West Wind", the final stanza in particular, although you might want to read the poem in its entirety (No doubt you are already familiar with this poem.)

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15693

Make me thy lyre, even as the forest is:
What if my leaves are falling like its own!
The tumult of thy mighty harmonies

Will take from both a deep, autumnal tone,
Sweet though in sadness. Be thou, Spirit fierce,
My spirit! Be thou me, impetuous one!

Drive my dead thoughts over the universe
Like withered leaves to quicken a new birth!
And, by the incantation of this verse,

Scatter, as from an unextinguished hearth
Ashes and sparks, my words among mankind!
Be through my lips to unawakened Earth

The trumpet of a prophecy! O Wind,
If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?

ThanKwee-Anajo said...

Also Timothy I wanted to add that what you say is filled with much wisdom, but also with much honesty. No phoney baloney stuff from you.

You're a treasure Timothy.

Dan said...

Maybe it's just the sad stuff that you need to purge with your painting?

ThanKwee-Anajo said...

Ah, I finally remembered .. "Marivaudian being"

What some others here have been speaking of remind me of the Marivaudian being (l'être marivaudien):


The Marivaudian being is, according to Poulet, a pastless futureless man, born anew at every instant. The instants are points which organize themselves into a line, but what is important is the instant, not the line. The Marivaudian being has in a sense no history. Nothing follows from what has gone before. He is constantly surprised. He cannot predict his own reaction to events. He is constantly being overtaken by events. A condition of breathlessness and dazzlement surrounds him.
- Donald Barthelme (1968)


Or in French
Le personnage de Marivaux, … , est un homme sans passé, ni futur, qui naît à chaque instant. Les instants sont des points qui s’organisent en une ligne, mais ce qui compte, c’est l’instant et non la ligne. L’être marivaudien n’a aucun sens de l’histoire. Rien ne suit ce qui s’est passé précédemment. ….. Il ne peut prédire ses propres réactions aux événements. Il est cerné par une situation d’essoufflement et d’éblouissement.
- Donald Barthelme (1968)

Camille said...

I too have suffered the fear of an insignificant existence. The acceptance with which you show your sadness and/or anxiety is truly a powerful and transformative act.

I loved your musing and your thoughtfulness on this subject.

Thank you also for your kind comments left on my blog.

Camille

drips of paint said...

samrina

ha..ha..now it is out in the open that at time I am not a sensitive guy, I do not have to pretend I am a deep person anymore.

Yes, paddys' word I usually take to heart, I am glad you have read his comment.

Your father is wise and now I know why you ask "why" so much and that you are so involved in exploring & enquiring deeper issues of life. I envy you and admire you having a father like yours. I am glad you are on the journey for truth as well..hope we have more chance to explore together.

your story I enjoyed and hope you'll share more.

Happy I am and you too

tim
----------------------------
singleton,

you are an angel...we have come a long way to realise peace...

peace and huggg to you,
your friend!
---------------------------

My wise sister.....anajo

peace is momentary for me and I try make an effort at it daily, it is so easy to let it slip by simply being clumsy and insensitive to people. You are one I enjoy and learn from.

Life is complex, people are complex and cannot have it other way...that is the simplicity of it....we strive on to understand each other.

Oh,,, how much I feel your sadness my sister, you speak with courage, I know, and how esle can I not respond in kind. I write because I have been inspired by words I read in bloggerville.

No, the peom I have not read. Any peom is hard for me to read and understand. So I'll try but....ha..hopeless of me.

I love so much of the desciption of Marivaudian being....I need to read up more on that...guess I can search the web for it. thanks for sharing that.

Sending to you a kiss and a sweet sadness..to remind us of life..
-----------------------------

DAN

Absolutely, painting by itself without my will has help to purge stuff....

then painting became too heavy and now surprisingly my writing help purge my painting..

Hmmm...I wonder what is next..
--------------------------

drips of paint said...

Hi camille....thanks for coming by...
I am glad both our gurus sees things in kind.

looking forward to visiting you again!

ThanKwee-Anajo said...

peace is momentary for me and I try make an effort at it daily, it is so easy to let it slip by simply being clumsy and insensitive to people. You are one I enjoy and learn from.

Timothy,
I am a lot like you actually. Peace is momentary for me too. I think that it's a matter of balance. And I learn from you. I learn from everyone, even those who I don't see eye to eye with.

I can't be happy all of the time. That's just not realistic. However, I do appreciate the life that I have. I love it with every fiber of my being.

ThanKwee-Anajo said...

And Timothy, I have been insensitive to people too. And I feel bad when I am that way. Everyday is a learning experience.

drips of paint said...

Anajo..
Yeh...everyday we are presented with opportunity to live or not.

Thanks for you comments

love you

Kelly said...

I like what Singleton said...//So many times we bask in negativity, drown in it...
or because of fear, deny it all together....
instead of
making peace with it...
and living//....

....//Yes, like you said I am //a searcher of truth//.....but only for my own truth not a universal truth.//....

Excellent writing!!

drips of paint said...

Hi Kelly...

Thank you for visit and your comment mean a lot to me sincerely.

The 2 qoutes you pick out here and your "cowboy..." post I think I understand what you mean!

Peace be with you and God bless
LoL
tim

Princess Banter said...

My darling, you do beautiful art. Have faith in yourself because you will make it. However, I am just a little bit too familiar with the sadness that haunts you as it seems to like visiting me frequently. One thing I can say to you... is that it will not be forever. It's there for now, but you will break free from it because I know you are strong enough. You will fight it... and you will win.

ThanKwee-Anajo said...

I have to admit that I'm confused here. I thought that being sad was just an aspect of life. Of couse if someone always feels sad, then that's different.

Timothy, I might have misunderstood what you're trying to say.

I don't know!

We are all so unique in the way that we view life that it is not so easy to compare one's own experiences and ideas with other people.

drips of paint said...

Anajo.....You read me correctly, you did not misunderstand.

you are cute, thanks for concern
tim

drips of paint said...

Thanks Princess....and

I forbide anything that makes you sad, princess...

Welcome back and I'll go over to you later to see what present you brought back.

Kelly said...

//The 2 qoutes you pick out here and your "cowboy..." post I think I understand what you mean!//

Well I'm glad somebody else 'gets it'.

Do not worry about what you feel. You feel what you feel because you are alive and that is what you are "supposed" to feel. I feel what I feel, and everyone else feels what they feel because that is what we are to fel. that is what makes the world go round.
The question is, or rather the problem is, finding people who understand what we feel without them feeling sorry for us, or finding excuses or telling us to deal with it in one way or another, but rather to say, I understand. And to let you feel what you feel until you figure out what you are to do with those feelings. That is the key to personal growth. Without that we will never grow. But rather be an impersonation of what we think the world weants us to be. We are to be ourselves...whatever that may be....keep doing what you're doing, you'll find yourself!

sumo said...

Hey...Painter dude...thanks for stopping by...just FYI...I blog elsewhere on Sundays and it has to be a long post...I'm usually not long winded at my place. But I figure why waste a long post at just one place when I can spread the love.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Se você quiser linkar meu blog no seu eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. (If you speak English can see the version in English of the Camiseta Personalizada. If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend).

drips of paint said...

yes Kelly...

I do sincerely understand what you are getting at....

I wish I could have been more sensitive to your feeling about the country earlier on.....

I often also felt that when I am being misunderstood or when my own feeling and voice are not being heard, it will bring confusion within myself that I need time to sort it out.....and you are entitle to that from friends.

Now I think I understand where you were coming from...although I could not possibly feel what you are going through.

drips of paint said...

Sumo....

I am sure I'll think of you if I ever get married.....sometimes I like a quicky but this time I have enjoyed your long post.

Yeh.. if you have love, spread it!
--------------------------------
Rodrigo...

I have replied you on my painting blog already

Ana Banana said...

Timothy...this is a beautiful post. I read it a couple times over, as well as the comments here -- all of them very insightful, as are your own words. Your thoughts are beautiful and wise.

I don't have much to add that has not been said already, except that I accept you the way you are, however you see yourself, however you feel, and whomever you want to be.

Love always,

Ana

drips of paint said...

thanks Ana..

love
tim

the lone beader said...

Your art expresses what is deep inside of you. Whether that is positive or negative... well, only you can decide... :)

Jackal said...

"Life is a bittersweet"

So true.

drips of paint said...

Hi Lone beader...

I no longer see negative as negative...it does not define who I am.....and I do not see positive as positive either...

Yeh I am the one to decide...thanks for reminder

will check on your bus...ding..ding..
--------------------------------

Jackal...

I just got back from your blog....what can i say...a very touching and open blog..I like it

bittersweet....I know you understand...

keep up your spirit
takecare

darkdarling said...

Agree with that "Life is a bittersweet". Together it's a proof of life. Thanks for sharing. Best regards.

drips of paint said...

darkdarling....

Welcome for showing up here... thanks for comment and your understand of post..

will come and visit you within a couple of days

be well!

tim