• These internal dialogue are like scribblin' away and are only meant for myself, hence at times not edited and not comprehensible at all even to me. If you are curious you are welcome to roam with me freely and to comment on anything as you like.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

"I know I am not good at this..."

Since Wednesday until now at 12.07am almost 3 days have past and I have been trying to write something on this blog. Blank! Nothing, nothing came out.... my brain is like a desert and the wind blowing across the sand, I put out my hand and try to grip onto anything that happens to be blown my way. Only sand and dust came and even these simply slipped through the slit of my fingers, nothing, nothing I could grasp onto. I am scorching, I am dry like the desert, I only hear the wind howling, beckoning more like teasing me I guess.

I often felt like this with painting too, but then with painting I have been teased enough.... long enough for me now to gain the upper hand. I have learnt their way and know how to perform a dance to beg for rain. Well people told me stick to what I am good at, I guess I should listen to them...... but then again may be not. How do I know what I am good at, I don't do I? Good at???...good at what???.... good compare to who, compare to what. I only know I want to do something, try some writing....write despite of not knowing how.

Language is just not my thing, I was bad at composition at school many decades ago. I haven't written anything since then - not even a page of diary, except an occasional love note that I copied from lyric of songs and posed as my own to try to wow the love of my dream. (It did not work) Never thought I was born a verbal person anyway. I was a quiet child, an introspective child. My mum would suddenly jog me out of my existence and ask" Hey tim what are you so quiet about now?" I was only 9? 10? 11? how would I know how to answer this grown up question - "is it not proper to keep to yourself ?" I wonder then. I was sure sometimes they thought I was angry, I felt guilty about that. In my little mind I wish then someone could understand that I was simply enjoying myself by myself staring out the window. I was not even sure why I did that, looking at what? I just spaced out, that was me and still is. May be this is a sign of insanity manifested at a young age.

While I was growing up, I could not understand how come some people have so much to talk about. I mean some talk no000n-stop at anything and everything, I saw people listening to them so they must be interesting. I wonder, but I was sure that they are not insane, I was the one who had the problem I thought. Soon I tried to fit in; tried to be smart; jammed myself with knowledge; tried to excel at what I do; competing; comparing and always comparing fearing of being left behind. All along thinking I know who I am and where I want to get to but deep down inside I knew a void was brewing bigger and bigger by the day. In a split second, lapsed into adulthood, middle age, past that and up the hill, over the hill finally while on my way down realising that I am insane.

I have always been insane to have given up my solitude. To have stop staring out the window, to have stop daydreaming. Insane to think I know who I am and know what I am good at.....and what not good at. Old habit die hard, I still think I cannot write, still think I am not good at it. But, ...."not good at"..... compare to what? Who and what I am comparing to, I am still wondering. Suddenly it is 2.09am - two hours past midnight - I have been wondering for 2 hours and still nothing came out of this dried up desert of a brain of mind. So I guess I go and perform my rain dance and pray that when I wake up in the morning, I would have written something in my dream.

So I went to bed and drifting off into that state between sleep and dream, vaguely I heard someone appearing, I cannot make out his face but I thought I recognise his voice - I knew he was Paddy from a blog that I listen to, although the sound is faint but the voice is crisp, I thought he said //"go on and start writing...exactly like painting, I'm sure you have started with an idea of some kind to paint something and you find it turned out completely different; taken on a life of its own. I find that with writing. The best personal results are unexpected."// After that I must have dozed off completely, I am not sure if Paddy really appear in my dream but the advise is sound. May be I'll try that, I'll just go ahead to begin a writing. Lets see, here I start with putting down " Since Wednesday until now..........

"Do we really know what we do not know?"
"What we know we are not good at, is an obstacle to overcoming what we think we are not good at"


Anonymous said...

//May be the search for a shore has ended, finally realising this cold; dark and mysterious water is my new home and so is painting. //...See, you CAN write.
All it is is an expression of whats on your mind.
As for your painting~I like the ones you did of peoples faces. Anyone who can capture what a persons personality in their face, is truly talented in my book.

Anyways, thank you for stopping by my blog. And thanks for your input on my slideshow...


ThanKwee-Anajo said...

Well people told me stick to what I am good at

I disagree with these people. I believe in doing what one feels passionate about, what one dreams of, what one thinks about a lot.

I know what you mean about how some people talk and talk and talk for a long time about anything and everything.

I think that artists tend to be a bit more quiet and enjoy thinking, quietly.

I spend a lot of time sitting by the window and staring at the sky or in my garden staring... staring.. and contemplating..

Maybe I'm insane too. :) If so, it is some sort of divine madness, I think.

I enjoy your writing, but then I repeat myself and you already know this!

paddy said...

what I am good at, " I often wonder this "stick to what I'm good a" In some way we need community support. ( take community in whatever way you wish) You must feel good about what you do; that you can do it::::::::: whether we have the pens, pencils and paper; brushes, paints and canvas so to speak. Do we have enough command to use them; feel we have enough......whether being the operative word. Does it matter. Can we express ourselves to such an extent that we can enter a healing an understanding of how we feel with ourselves. I try so hard to express. I find it an extremely stressful manic period. (I feel like it has been all said before)............... then while hunting for a song that will fit in with my story I find a the song of Leonard Cohen------- after going through his titles --------- "Undertow" that expresses- for me- what I'm trying to say,,,,,,,, better. So, do I scrap it? No, I don't think so. Let people say what they will; let them set standards. I'll paint whatever I can; write whatever I can. Try to find me in there in it, and be me, be free of the pain.
That's what matters
Y;-) Paddy
you can e-mail me direct.

Dan said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and welcome to the world of blogging. Good for you at making an attempt at something you think you're not very good at. This is how we learn, right?

Anonymous said...

Hello, thankyou so much for the blog comment!
I find your writing to be really good, practice makes perfect! And many other think so too, judging by the comments!
I say, you should never hold back because other people discourage you, learning is part of life!
Think of Shakespeare, people would have told him to stick to his day job, and forget about writing "stuck to what he's good at" he may not have become the legend that he is today.

Tanya said...

Hi Tim.. what I have just read sounds very good to me... you described exactly what so many of us like to do... stare at nothing much, for dont know how long and vanish into your thoughts.. It feels like your the only one because the other quiet ones are quietly sitting in their thoughts too :)
I believe that we should do what makes our own heart sing and let other people do what makes their heart sing.. that way you can stand strong on your own path without feeling misdirected..
Im going to go and stare at your paintings now :)

drips of paint said...

Hi Kelly

thanks for vote of confident in my writing as well as my painting of people.
appreciate that!

Hi Anajo

Yes, we both are divinly mad.
You comments has always been important to me, thanks!

Hi Paddy

Very thoughtful commnets, thanks

I have sent you an email in reply, hope you got it.

Hi Dan

It was a pleasure visiting your blog. I'll visit again.
Absolutely, I have learnt a lot doing some writing..

Hi Lajiseh

Yes, Shakespeare is a good example of that - not that I can ever get any good like him. Opps here I go again...

You got a great blog going and thanks for comments

Hi Tanya

Very interseting comment: //it feel like your the only one because the other quiet ones, are quietly sitting in their thought too//

How appropiately and wonderfully put. Thanks for understanding.

//...and let other people do what makes their heart sing//

The world will be in peace, I like that.

thanks Tanya

paddy said...

I keep coming back here. It's a nice place I feel comfortable here.

Mary Ellen said...

Hi Tim!

My son is very quiet also. He's not an artist, by any means, but I think there is an awful lot of deep thinking going on inside that teen-aged head of his.

As far as trying to think of what you want to write about on your blog, I find that looking at pictures or images brings about ideas for me. In fact, I often pick the pictures, quote, or the song I want to put on my post and then I come up with something to write about. I know it sounds backwards...but that's the kind of gal I am! ;-)

Keep blogging away, Tim! You are very expressive. Art doesn't always have to appear on canvas, it comes in the written word, too.

BTW, thanks for coming around my blog. I know it has nothing to do with art....but I am definitely enjoying all the artists I've met through Thankwee's blog.

drips of paint said...

Hi Paddy,

You are so welcome, I am very comfotable with you too.


Hi Mary Ellen

Thank you for sharing, it is really meaningful for me. I have always wonder how come you are so creative coming up with all this idea and visual.

Your son must be a deep thinker just like her mum.

Yes, Anajo has a group of good people/artist surrounding her and that is how I got to know you too. ME my life feed my art and going to your blog has a lot to do with art too. I do not separate life with art.


savannah said...

found you via paddy...well done, tim..your writing and your painting! i'm originally from california, so seeing the gardens is like a trip home!

i've found blogging to be both a release and an opportunity to connect with people i might have never met..sounds simple and cliched, i know, but works for me..besides, i find joy in both the writing and the reading... and as you said, sometimes, just the act of putting thoughts on the screen clears the brain for other things...

be well, sugar!

Asma said...

many of us face this problem difficult to express ur feelings in words but wow u have done this and done it so well nothing is impossible just believe yourself and u will do whatever u want to do dont listen to people just listen to ur heart and always be positive thinker.....keep smiling:)

sumo said...

Thanks for the visit and comment Tim...don't stop...keep going...it takes time to find your voice when you first start blogging. I was so lame it was embarrassing...but I finally found my niche...you will too.

soul&body said...

I identify myself with your post =P

drips of paint said...

Hi Savannah.....glad garden & paintings remind you of home.

I feel exactly the same with you regarding blogging. Have met so many interesting soul and I have become better expressing myself too.

thanks for liking my writing & painting

Hi Asma...... I'll remember what you said here, believe myself...and here a big smile from me to you!

Hi Sumo.....Yes, it'll take time to find my voice..Thanks for sharing your experience in this matter with me...it is good for me to hear

Hi Soul&body

thanks for reading my post and it is nice to meet someone who has similar experience and feeling, and thanks for letting me know

thanks everyone for reading my post and leaving comments


singleton said...

" The best personal results are unexpected."...ahhh, you heard prophetic words....
It is only in the trying, the diving in to cold, cold, water, the just-doing-it that we find release, find ourselves, find freedom.

Your paintings are beautiful, I've been wandering through the gardens...and it was your words that took me there.

(And paddy's backdoor!)

drips of paint said...

Hi singleton..

What a challenge for me to read your blog. The way you write is a bit magical and if I am not careful I miss meaning of your post.

Yes, finding myself, finding freedom is indeed I seek and the dive has begun.

singleton said...

Dive deep....
It's cool and clear and free there...

drips of paint said...

singleton....//cool, clear and free//...ahww..you touch a nerve, reminding me long time ago during a hard time, I took to diving in this cool blue, clear like crystal water off the tunisia coast...trouble disappear, play, focus & clarity set in...free at last.

I follow you magical sister into the deep blue..

eric1313 said...

Well said, Drips.

My advice would also be to write and let the words lead the way. Don't try too hard. Just let go of the words and write them all down as they come to you. The later, see if they make sense. Just don't stop once you have started. Keep the idea in mind and express it every way you can.

You learned to paint, so too will you learn to write well. Your thoughts are extended by words, just like your paintbrush is part of you imagination, like a hand or a finger, interacting and changing the world that you see.

drips of paint said...

Hi Eric..

Really glad to hear the advice from you... I kind of felt that when I plunged in and started writing this post.... thought & words like a chain just pop up from no where.

Good, I'll try what you said more.

//Your thoughts are extended by words, just like your paintbrush is part of you imagination, like a hand or a finger, interacting and changing the world that you see.//

absolutely ... and magic happens

Hey, really thank you for leaving this comment.